Let’s get reeeeeady to debate totally inane hypothetical battles between “any two nouns,” in another edition of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert‘s segment “Friday Night Fights.”
This week Colbert brought out fellow Daily Show alum John Hodgman to help argue who would come out on top in a battle between the elusive Bigfoot and the oral fetishist the Tooth Fairy, as well as who would walk away the winner in a fight between an Apple Genius with a switchblade and a Walmart greeter with a crossbow.
In the mythological creature contest, Hodgman surprised everyone by taking the tiny Tooth Fairy to defeat “Craig Bigfoot.” His main argument was twofold: One, Bigfoot is a “wimp” that is a shy, skittish creature that avoids all conflict. His other main point against Colbert’s pro “Bigfoot-would-simply-eat-her-like-jerky” stance was that the Tooth Fairy has been taking teeth all these years to get DNA to make a clone army of “every human child that has ever lived.”
As for the other battle, Hodgman, the former Apple computer spokesperson, actually went with the elderly Walmart greeter and his crossbow’s range. Colbert disagreed, saying the greeter’s “eye range” would make it much easier for the Genius to avoid being hurt. He also said a confused Siri would actually distract the old man by accidentally playing Crosby, Stills, and Nash’s “Teach Your Children Well,” making him cry.
Don’t forget, these are just the arguments for whom you should vote for on Twitter, where the winners are decided.
As for last week’s fights, where Arianna Huffington debated with Colbert, fans voted Beethoven with a machete would beat Mozart with a magic flute 60% to 40%, and “not getting charged for guacamole on your burrito” was deemed more enjoyable than “seeing a a photo of your coworker’s baby” in a landslide, 86% to 14%.
I hate guacamole and would still have voted for it.
Oh, but, uh, not if one of my bosses showed me a photo of their baby….that would be great. Honestly.
Okay, so who you got this week? Bigfoot or Tooth Fairy? Apple Genius with a switchblade of Walmart greeter with a crossbow? Let’s fight it out in the comments below!
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Image: CBS
