Seems like you can’t go anywhere without bumpin’ into ‘billies. Go out to get a soda; you run into a meth-billy. Pick up some fast food for the family; you run into a fetish-billy. Go to Craigslist; you get the picture. Take haven in your panic room. It’s time for another Hillbilly News Update!

Get Me Outta Here

Chris Collins, you are a hero. Did I ever tell you that? I didn’t? Well, you are and you need be that hero now. There is a person trapped in that Dr. Pepper vending machine. Take this axe, valiant one. Free them. What do you mean you don’t hear anyone in there? There is. Trust me. I’m crystal meth. I’m very trustworthy. Now chop.

Good ol’ “Chris from Boise,” which we’ve all agreed on calling him, was cruising with his meth around town. Upon passing a vending machine, he imagined voices or something from within it. So, he took his axe out and started splitting the metal beast that had swallowed the innocent victim. If you were on meth, you’d do it too. You’d also compare yourself to Paul Bunyan to the authorities and get arrested.

[via Seattle Weekly]

Talk About a Spit Wad

Darlene Pinnix, 55 years of age, came back to her North Carolina home after midnight. A late night gallivant of the provocative persuasion perhaps? Husband Lonnie Pinnix, 38 years of age, seemed to think so. He WANTED HER OUT OF THERE. She just wanted to lay down after a busy night of sex, or work. I don’t know. Lonnie’s distaste for this, combined with the deep seeded hate of his name, drove him to grab his pistol and load it – with a wad of toilet paper.

Darlene got treatment for some powder burns on her back and now, Lonnie is keeping his back to the wall in prison.

[via UPI]

Greg Edison < Thomas Edison

Nothing says “use a condom” like a failed father selling his kid on the internet. Greg Edison got fed up with his fussy kid and tried to sell it on Craigslist. “She will be on the porch waiting for you,” he types. “LOL,” he types. The laughter doesn’t cover up the fact that you are a hillbilly, Greg.

[via Seattle Weekly]

NOW THATS WHAT I CALL COSPLAY!

Carlton Kohert: Young. Engaged. Marine. Drunk. Kinky.

Carl got drunk and left his fiance at the lake. She had to hitch a ride after walking five hours to get home, but that’s besides the point. He left to dress up in a child’s banana costume and whip his banana out at a Wendy’s. After that he hit up the department store to do some burnouts in his Stratus. But we all know that is boring. I suppose he did it to help brainstorm his next brilliant idea. He got out with a shotgun in hand and “talked some gibberish” about white supremacy. His dick was put away at this point. Calm down.

[via Seattle Weekly]

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Image: Flickr/frankieleon