Fitting episode title this week, as I, Shawn DePasquale, am the replacement recapper of American Horror Story: Coven while Matt Cohen is off in Japan, presumably searching for his future bride. This episode, like most, was batshit insane. Lots to cover, so let’s break it down into easy to consume morsels.

Origin Story

The episode opens with Fiona remembering Spalding’s (Dennis O’Hare in awesome Riff Raff style makeup) secret origin. It’s 1971, and Fiona, ever jealous, murders the previous Supreme just as Spalding enters the room, catching her in the act. In turn, she cuts out his tongue so he can never speak of her misdeed.  Back in the present day, Fiona teases the mute butler with a snide, “Cat got your tongue?” Her playfulness is short lived after a visit to the plastic surgeon, who tells her that due to her ailing health, she’s ineligible for plastic surgery. She’s got cancer, and the stronger the new Supreme gets, the weaker Fiona will grow. We’re also told that in order to be a Supreme, you’ve got to have the ability to manifest the “seven wonders” (most witches, at best, have 4 or 5), and it’s made very clear that one of the students is the future Supreme.

Kathy Bates Is The Greatest and Precious Loves Minotaurs

Meanwhile Madame Mama Boucher (MMB, aka the Great Kathy Bates) is served up a hearty helping of ironic justice in the form of a TV report about Barack Obama (“A black sheriff?!“) after Fiona forces her to dress as (and perform the duties of) the house maid. Adding insult to injury, MMB realizes that this means that she’ll be in direct service of Queenie – an affront to her very nature. Fiona hates racists (who doesn’t?), so as punishment for MMB’s past and future racial transgressions, she tells Queenie that MMB is now her personal slave. This is a double-win for Queenie, because having MMB as your slave also means you get visited by scary Minotaur monsters. While that might not be a jerk for some, it is for Queenie, who bonds with the monster, takes him back to the shed and then masturbates to him. This was as weird to watch as it was to recap (and I assume to read).

FrankenKyle and the Forest Witch (Or, Mommy Deadest)

Kyle’s been brought back to life and healed by the miraculous powers of swamp mud, thanks to the Stevie Nicks-obsessed Misty Day (btw, I love Lilly Rabe… I would marry her. Well not marry, but I’d love to get pizza with her), who is the looniest character on the show. Zoe doesn’t help matters when she shows up at Misty’s cabin to bring Kyle back to his mom. This might see like a stupid idea (to bring the resurrected monster of her dead son back to his grieving mother), and that’s because it is. The show attempts to justify Zoe’s actions with Kyle’s mom explaining she’s so depressed over her dead son that she has attempted suicide. It still seems ill advised for her to bring him anywhere, but credit for at least providing some motivation. Of course, things go horribly wrong, because aside from missing her dead son (as any mother would), she also misses sexually molesting her son. FrankenKyle utters his first word, “NO,” before beating his white-trash mom to death. Zoe walks in, sees Kyle covered in blood, and freaks out.

Ding-Dong, A Witch Is Dead

Which old witch? None. It’s a young witch that died this week, as the episode closed out with Fiona, consumed by her jealousy (just as she was all those years ago in the opening sequence), murdering Madison – revealed as the next Supreme after exhibiting the “seven wonders”. Overall, it’s a shitty day for Madison, because before she’s killed, she endures (arguably, for her anyway) a worse offense: she’s ignored by the cute boy who just moved in next door. His prudish mother insists he puts on a shirt to stop Nan, Madison, and Queenie from gawking at his ripped chest. Nan and Madison head over to welcome their new neighbor, with Madison laying down some overt sexual advances. Sexy Boy Next Door seems to vibe more with Nan, leaving Madison quite offended. Lucky (or not) for her, that’s short-lived, because she soon finds herself confronted by a truly Wicked Witch. “I’m dying, my time is up. You’re killing me. Your powers, you’ve been feeling them growing. I’m the source… my life force is literally pouring out of my body into yours. This is no mystical mumbo jumbo, this is real,”  she says right before slitting the poor girl’s throat. Once again, Spalding witnesses the whole bloody affair; he even cleans up Fiona’s mess afterwards.

That’s this week. What did you think? Why can’t we get an all Kathy Bates episode? Also.. how weird was that Minotaur scene?